Differentiating whether certain thoughts, urges, and emotions come from me or come from God is very difficult for me to discern. I have to admit that this may be one of the most frustrating thing for me in my walk with God. I honestly would love to be able to know if it’s the Holy Spirit filling me up or it’s just merely my thoughts.
Last semester, as I was finishing a final exam of mine, I had felt that all hope was lost and that I would fail my course because of this exam. However, as I was walking back home from the exam hall and reminiscing at how ridiculously helpless I felt, this overwhelming urge to laugh appeared. I just had to laugh at how badly the exam went. I just had to laugh because there was absolutely nothing left that I could do about it. I just had to laugh at the circumstance I was in. I just HAD to laugh. Period.
Now it wasn’t a sarcastic laugh at myself like it may sound it is, but I can honestly say that it was a laughter out of pure joy. Joy which I had no idea where it came from. It felt odd and really great at the same time BUT, I had no idea if I had gone lunatic from the stress or it was a God given joy. No matter how much I wondered and asked God, I still didn’t have a satisfactory answer. Until today.
"Blessed are you if your laughter means that you have let go in reckless confidence all that shackles you to yesterday, imprisons you in your small self today, and frightens you with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Blessed are you who laugh, because you are free!"
~ Brennan Manning
There is no more hesitation now. After reading this quote, I immediately knew that my euphoric episode following my exam was from the Holy Spirit pouring joy into my heart. He was teaching me to let go and leave the rest to Him. It may have taken several months until I got a response, nonetheless, He answered my pondering; I feel so blessed to have experienced that.
I know that this is still the tip of the iceberg. I’m aware that this incident didn’t make things any clearer in terms of learning how to differentiate thoughts that belong to me or God. However, I am thankful that this incident is one of many that reaffirms my faith in Him. It’s an incident which reminded me of how blessed I am to have such an amazing and joyful God.
p.s. For those wondering, I did pass the course! =D